I have the best intentions to try to get better. I go to bed at night and promise to try harder tomorrow.

But tomorrow never seems to come.

I see the numbers. I can understand logically where everyone is coming from. I know they are right. I laugh at their accusations because in reality I know they are true.

But you can't force yourself to do something you don't want to do. I feel like I earned this. I take their criticisms as compliments. It means I'm doing something right (even though I know it's wrong).

I'd like to say that I'll do better, try harder (or at all). But I don't think I'm there yet.

Edit:

I just realized I wrote basically this same thing back in March. Wow. So much for progress I guess.

I'm trying to get used to the idea that maybe love isn't in the cards for me.

I realize I'm only 20. I realize there is a TON of time to meet someone. But there are also people who spend their entire lives alone (some willingly but still). That could be me. Especially considering my lifestyle - or more accurately my lack of a lifestyle.

It'd be awfully cruel on the world's part. I'm the textbook girl who watches too many romantic comedies and is obsessed with the idea of love. Maybe that's part of the problem.

But I'm trying to prepare myself for a life alone. Because even though it hopefully won't happen, it might. And I don't want to spend my whole life waiting for someone/something.

So if I do spend my life alone, I'm going to do it with style. I'm saving money now so I can afford a house on my own. I'm going to be the most kick-ass aunt in the world. I'll have a loyal dog who will keep me company.

I'll be just fine on my own. I just hope I don't have to be.

I'm afraid that I function too well on my own.

I have taken of care of myself ever since I was little. By the time I was 10, I was left home alone. Before that I might as well have been since my Grandma had Alzheimer's and was probably more of a danger to me than anything. Dad was always somewhere or another and Mom worked insane hours. I ate dinner alone. I had to learn to make due on my own.

But all that alone time as a kid has backfired in my adult life. I will always choose being alone than going somewhere to socialize. I hate social situations. I'd just rather not deal with it. I recently discovered the wonders of going to a movie theater alone - no hassle of trying to find a common movie or time that works for everyone. You can see whatever the hell you want, pig out on popcorn, and cry at a cheesy movie without anyone to judge you for it.

But I don't want to be alone forever. It'd be so easy for me to just work, come home to my puppy and watch TV for the rest of my life. But I want so much more than that. How do I get it though? How do I fight 20 years of habit?

I'm not the same.

It affected me more than I even realized I think. Because ever since I have been a shut-in. I never want to do anything. I would rather stay home and watch House re-runs than actually live life.

I want to change. But it's almost too late. For two years I have lived this life. I make my own plans and do my own thing. I don't rely on anyone else. There are no disappointments in my life. But that's only because it's hard to be disappointed when all you do is watch TV. My biggest disappointment is when my favorite player doesn't win Survivor.

That's not what I want. I have been living this way for two years. Hiding. I didn't even realize it but I think that's what I've been doing - hiding from life. And now that I'm finally to the point where I want to get out in the world again, I don't even know where to begin. I missed out on all the social bonding that's supposed to happen in college. I wasn't interested then. I was still in pieces. But now what? Where do I begin?

I have no idea. And that's a problem.

I'm trying to be logical. Really. But it isn't that simple. I see the math. I see it. But it's almost an abstract concept...I know I've accomplished it but I don't feel it.

Something positive from this struggle though is that I've realized that I've been too harsh on other people. Everyone's problems look so easy from a distance. "Why can't they just get over it?" "Can't they see how good their life is?" It's just not always that simple.

You can want to make things better. You can know that your actions might not be the best for you. You can view your problem from an objective perspective and see that you're out of your mind.

But actually overcoming it? I'm still working on that one.

I've let it go too far. It's become such an integrated part of my life, I don't know who I am without it. It defines me. It's on my mind every single second. I recalculate over 10 times a day to ensure I didn't make an error. I organize (avoid) social outings based on it.

But it's also my closest ally. I get to experience success. It's a change I get to see. It's a change I can control. I can't make people appear into my life. I can't change my surroundings. But I can change this. And that's the best part about it.

I'd like to believe this will be the year. I'd like to believe that I will finally get out and start having a life.

But I'm not that naive anymore. I will continue to pass up opportunities to hang out with the outside world in favor of my beloved TV or time with my Mom. I will go to school and make friends with those in my classes but we won't be real friends. I won't have any love prospects. My life will not be interesting.

I'm not going to change. It's unfortunate but it's true. I'm not and have never been a social butterfly. I am a carbon copy of my mom. Except when she was my age she had met my dad & they were married by 21. That's all I need. I just need a boy. I need a boy to love and a boy to love me.

It's a problem.

But I'm just not sure I want to fix it.

Thank you for worrying. It helps.

It’s my biggest enemy.

It consumes my thoughts. It controls me.

It’s an obsession I can’t get rid of.

It’s a battle I’ve been fighting for half of my life.

I want to be free. But it’s only getting worse. It’s never been this bad.

I don’t know how to make it stop. I’m afraid I can’t. I’m afraid I don’t want to.

And I hate you for making it worse.

Life in a Facebook Status

Facebook statuses entertain me.

Some statuses are a bit too detailed. I do not remember asking for your schedule of events for the day. Plus, do you realize the creepy stalkers you are potentially subjecting yourself to? They will find you at Meijer, in the bread aisle, because you chose to announce to the world on facebook that you ran out and were running to get some at 2:30, right after your shift at [insert place of work here].

Some are just plain pathetic. "I hate my life." "Why does everything go wrong for me?" Blah blah blah. I can tolerate a somber status update here and there. Because sometimes you have a bad day and you just need to share it. But when your statuses are updated on a daily basis, always with the same overdramatic sentiments, it gets to be annoying. Stop fishing for people's sympathy. I would be more sympathetic to your problems if you didn't find everything to be the end of the world. I've got news for you, your life is not that bad.

I appreciate but am also extremely frustrated by the vague status. You so desperately desire to know the meaning behind the unclear words, but the truth is that the only connection you have with this person is facebook. A comment asking "what's wrong?" or even a blatant "what does that mean?" can't come from you without seeming entirely creepy and random. So you're left completely curious until the next vague status rolls around (which in all likelihood is only a few minutes).

And then there's my favorite type of status. The status that reminds you that you're not alone. Though it may not always seem like that, there is someone out there feeling that same lost hope that you feel. They crave what you crave. And if that's true, I've got to believe that someday, no matter how near or far off it may be, we'll get what we want.

[This post is dedicated to accounting. For if it were not so incredibly boring, I would not have had the need to find a way to procrastinate]

Everyone has those moments. Moments where it feels like everyone but you is in love. But I don't think anyone truly believes that they are going to end up alone.

In reality though, it's a complete possibility. Who's to say that there is someone out there who will want to marry me? Maybe, despite my almost obsession with the concept of love, I will never experience it. Who's to say?

I don't believe in fate or "meant to be." I believe life is what you make it.

Here derives my issue with food. You can't make yourself prettier. You can't change your personality (at least not if you want to stay true to yourself). But you can make that roll on your stomach disappear. You can control your weight. And you tell yourself that maybe those last 5 pounds is all that is standing in your way from getting the guy.

Now I realize this is completely insane. And I don't want anyone freaking on me that I have some sort of eating disorder. I don't and that is not the point I'm trying to make.

My point is that it's hard to change your position in life. You can want something and you can tell yourself you're going to make any changes necessary - but sometimes things are just the way they are. And I guess that means I need to adjust my expectations accordingly.

I'm terrified.

I don't think I can go through another year like last. Especially since I don't have an excuse anymore.

I have to be brave. I will be brave.

This will be the year.

Please be the year.

One year later.

A year ago today I was a broken mess. I had cried for days leading up to it. Spending my days curled up in a ball watching the saddest movies I could think of. I knew the inevitable.

A year ago today I felt like the world had ended. Despite the grim future that was ahead, I still naively believed that love conquered all and that we'd make it work. But we didn't even last that long.

Now here I am. Exactly one year later. He no longer haunts me in my dreams. He still crosses my mind, but only on rare occasions. I no longer need to pull out my journal from those 6 months so I can relive it. We haven't spoken since January.

He is no longer a part of my life. And I don't care. The only reason why I even write this is because I can't believe how over it I am. Am I still angry? No doubt. Does it frustrate me that I don't know what he meant and what he just said to try to have sex with me? Hell yes. But all I feel is anger. I don't feel love or desire and I definitely don't miss him.

Today I can say something I know I didn't feel a year ago. I'm thankful. Despite how it may have gone up in flames, I am glad I got to experience the high school boyfriend I so desperately wanted. I'm thankful to him for making me open up and try new things. I'm glad that I learned that men are first and foremost complete assholes. They have to earn your trust, you just don't hand it to them. If they say I love you, they don't necessarily love you. Guys will forget you way faster than you will forget them. And the cliche only fall for a guy if he's willing to catch you? It's a cliche for a reason.

Happily Ever After

It's the best feeling in the world: love.

It can also be the worst. Because sometimes the person you love stops loving you back.

But love can be experienced in more than just a relationship. It can be experienced through a great song, a touching book, or an amazing TV show.

That's the love I've come to appreciate. I get to fall in love alongside the characters in my favorite cheesy romance novel. I get goosebumps watching my favorite couple finally getting together on TV. I get to know I'm not alone whenever I discover a song that says things I've wanted to say but couldn't. And unlike reality, there's always a happy ending.

But I think the reason why I love these things the most is because they give me hope. After an episode of One Tree Hill, I have no doubt that there is love out there for me. I am going to have my own epic love story, with an appropriately matched soundtrack filled with great artists like Matt Nathanson and The Fray. I'm going to fall in love with someone so hard that it'll be like they're my own brand of heroin.

I think I can wait for that.

More than anything, I miss the way I felt.

I'm undeniably sad.

Everything has changed so much this year. But not in the way I thought it would. You're supposed to go to college and meet new friends that will change your life. Living in the dorms is supposed to be filled with some of your best memories.

Instead, I met a few people - all of which never amounted more than a casual conversation here, a facebook add there. Living in the dorms left me with a lot of memories - but few are good. I don't recognize my friends anymore. They have new lives, filled with exciting people and fun times.

I don't have a place anymore. The few times I do decide to venture out, I feel left out. Everyone has a person. I used to have people too. I had my person at the party who I'd have if it got lame. But they have their own people now. And I can't really blame them. They did what you're supposed to do after high school: move on. It's not that I don't want to move on. Nothing could be further from the truth. I just have nothing to move on to. Sometimes I miss high school simply because I felt like I was a part of something - even if that something consisted of complaining over an assignment with classmates or chatting about the latest drama.

I just need to feel that way again.

I think I may be one of very few women in America who actually still like Jason Mesnick (The Bachelor).

How can you fault someone for following their heart? Did he go about it the wrong way? Probably. But he was forced to make a decision in a certain amount of time and he picked wrong. But isn't it better to admit that rather than have your relationship be based on a lie?

Then I got thinking about my own past. I've struggled to know what was real and what wasn't. But I realize I'll never really know. But when I think about small moments, I don't have any doubts. There was something real. But just like with The Bachelor, things changed. And that's ok. Because even though it took me a little longer to realize it than him, I don't have any interest in being with him either.

Thank god for that.

Pressure

I have less than a month to make a decision that will impact the rest of my life.

Talk about pressure.

I could stay at Grand Valley. I get to keep the scholarship I worked hard to earn. I get to live at home and be close with my Mom. I get to double major so I know that if I don't like being a paralegal I have a business degree to fall back on.

Or I could transfer to CMU. I have to pay full price. I would have to live alone. But I get to major in nutrition. Something I'm passionate about - in theory.

What if I transfer and I hate nutrition? I can't handle the science aspect of it. I miss home too much. Then what? I gave up my scholarship for NOTHING. I made my parents move me up to the middle of nowhere for NOTHING.

Or I could transfer and love it. I could have the college experience I didn't have at Grand Valley. I could love dietitics and feel like I'm actually going to enjoy my job once I graduate.

But I don't have the answers. So how the hell do I choose?

Just a Dream

I wish I could control my dreams.

I am sick of having him show up night after night.

I'm over it. But not according to my subconscious.

But I will admit, it is hard to remember him for the jerk that he is when my dreams paint him the way I thought of him when we were together.

So go away. You aren't real. And I don't want to remember it anymore.

It's done. End of story.

I feel so damn good.

For months, I was drowning. Constantly living in the past. Questioning if I had done this or that if things would be different. Wondering how I would ever get passed it.

But I can honestly say, even if it took me 6 months, that I'm over it.

I'M OVER IT!

And now I'm taking my life back. I'm not wasting anymore time waiting anymore - not that you are even worth waiting for.

I still am grateful though. Because despite all wasted tears, I got to experience something great. Were the feelings real? I'm not sure. But I know that it doesn't matter. For 6 months, I was happy and I felt invincible. Then we crashed and burned.

But it was worth it. And that's all that matters.