Better in Time

I've decided that it's okay.

Maybe things aren't the way I imagined. There's a lot of things I wish were different...

But it's going to get better. I just have to wait for it.

Thank you for reminding me of that.

I don't know what to do.

I'm not happy anywhere.

I hate being at school because I'm surrounded by tons of people but it's as if I'm invisible.

I hate being home because I'm surrounded by memories I want to forget. I remember the way my life used to be. Before things changed. Before my best friends moved far, far away or changed more than I thought would be possible.

At home though I at least have comfort. And I have my mom, a best friend who isn't going to change or move to another state.

But I'm afraid of moving home because I want more than that. I wanted to make new friends. I wanted to meet an amazing boy. I wanted to love college. So if I move home what does that mean?

What has the world come to when it takes a bumper sticker on facebook to impart wisdom?

I saw one today that said:"1. Good Grades 2. Enough Sleep 3. Social Life. You can only pick 2...welcome to college!"

That is completely true and the reason for all my problems. Because good grades are non negotiable. And I really like my sleep so I am not willing to give it up.

But here's the thing. I don't think I'm missing out on a social life in an attempt to get good grades or enough sleep. Because I managed to get good grades senior year, but I was completely willing to lose sleep to stay on the phone until 3 in the morning. I did what I had to do to have fun with my friends and get good grades, even when that meant sacrificing something like sleep.

I've come to this realization: I don't have an interest in socializing with the people I've met. But when I meet the right people, I'll know it, because I will be willing to give up other things to spend time with them.

So maybe I'm failing college life. But at least it's by choice.

Can I go back? Please?

I miss high school.

I spent all of high school waiting for college. Dreaming of what it would be like. Thinking of all the great friends I'd make and the hot boys I'd want to date. Working my ass off to get good grades to get a scholarship.

But now all I want to do is go back. Because the moment high school ended was also the same time when my life was finally becoming what I wanted. Then college came and took it all away.

I have not met these 'lifetime friends' that everyone says you meet in college. I haven't even met right now friends. So what does that mean? And besides, who says your lifetime friends can't also be the ones you graduated from high school with? Because those were some pretty great friends.

As for hot boys...insert snort here. Even if there were any, I'm not sure I could handle it. A boy talks to me in my poli sci class and it makes me completely uncomfortable. I want to tell him that he should not be talking to me like that. I have a boyfriend. But oh wait...that's right, I don't anymore. I just live in the past too much to remember that.

And all that hard work? Now I just have more of it. I never considered how you'd have to keep certain grades to maintain a scholarship. Talk about pressure. Any bad grades = bye bye thousands of dollars. It was nice knowing you...