One year later.

A year ago today I was a broken mess. I had cried for days leading up to it. Spending my days curled up in a ball watching the saddest movies I could think of. I knew the inevitable.

A year ago today I felt like the world had ended. Despite the grim future that was ahead, I still naively believed that love conquered all and that we'd make it work. But we didn't even last that long.

Now here I am. Exactly one year later. He no longer haunts me in my dreams. He still crosses my mind, but only on rare occasions. I no longer need to pull out my journal from those 6 months so I can relive it. We haven't spoken since January.

He is no longer a part of my life. And I don't care. The only reason why I even write this is because I can't believe how over it I am. Am I still angry? No doubt. Does it frustrate me that I don't know what he meant and what he just said to try to have sex with me? Hell yes. But all I feel is anger. I don't feel love or desire and I definitely don't miss him.

Today I can say something I know I didn't feel a year ago. I'm thankful. Despite how it may have gone up in flames, I am glad I got to experience the high school boyfriend I so desperately wanted. I'm thankful to him for making me open up and try new things. I'm glad that I learned that men are first and foremost complete assholes. They have to earn your trust, you just don't hand it to them. If they say I love you, they don't necessarily love you. Guys will forget you way faster than you will forget them. And the cliche only fall for a guy if he's willing to catch you? It's a cliche for a reason.

Happily Ever After

It's the best feeling in the world: love.

It can also be the worst. Because sometimes the person you love stops loving you back.

But love can be experienced in more than just a relationship. It can be experienced through a great song, a touching book, or an amazing TV show.

That's the love I've come to appreciate. I get to fall in love alongside the characters in my favorite cheesy romance novel. I get goosebumps watching my favorite couple finally getting together on TV. I get to know I'm not alone whenever I discover a song that says things I've wanted to say but couldn't. And unlike reality, there's always a happy ending.

But I think the reason why I love these things the most is because they give me hope. After an episode of One Tree Hill, I have no doubt that there is love out there for me. I am going to have my own epic love story, with an appropriately matched soundtrack filled with great artists like Matt Nathanson and The Fray. I'm going to fall in love with someone so hard that it'll be like they're my own brand of heroin.

I think I can wait for that.

More than anything, I miss the way I felt.

I'm undeniably sad.

Everything has changed so much this year. But not in the way I thought it would. You're supposed to go to college and meet new friends that will change your life. Living in the dorms is supposed to be filled with some of your best memories.

Instead, I met a few people - all of which never amounted more than a casual conversation here, a facebook add there. Living in the dorms left me with a lot of memories - but few are good. I don't recognize my friends anymore. They have new lives, filled with exciting people and fun times.

I don't have a place anymore. The few times I do decide to venture out, I feel left out. Everyone has a person. I used to have people too. I had my person at the party who I'd have if it got lame. But they have their own people now. And I can't really blame them. They did what you're supposed to do after high school: move on. It's not that I don't want to move on. Nothing could be further from the truth. I just have nothing to move on to. Sometimes I miss high school simply because I felt like I was a part of something - even if that something consisted of complaining over an assignment with classmates or chatting about the latest drama.

I just need to feel that way again.

I think I may be one of very few women in America who actually still like Jason Mesnick (The Bachelor).

How can you fault someone for following their heart? Did he go about it the wrong way? Probably. But he was forced to make a decision in a certain amount of time and he picked wrong. But isn't it better to admit that rather than have your relationship be based on a lie?

Then I got thinking about my own past. I've struggled to know what was real and what wasn't. But I realize I'll never really know. But when I think about small moments, I don't have any doubts. There was something real. But just like with The Bachelor, things changed. And that's ok. Because even though it took me a little longer to realize it than him, I don't have any interest in being with him either.

Thank god for that.

Pressure

I have less than a month to make a decision that will impact the rest of my life.

Talk about pressure.

I could stay at Grand Valley. I get to keep the scholarship I worked hard to earn. I get to live at home and be close with my Mom. I get to double major so I know that if I don't like being a paralegal I have a business degree to fall back on.

Or I could transfer to CMU. I have to pay full price. I would have to live alone. But I get to major in nutrition. Something I'm passionate about - in theory.

What if I transfer and I hate nutrition? I can't handle the science aspect of it. I miss home too much. Then what? I gave up my scholarship for NOTHING. I made my parents move me up to the middle of nowhere for NOTHING.

Or I could transfer and love it. I could have the college experience I didn't have at Grand Valley. I could love dietitics and feel like I'm actually going to enjoy my job once I graduate.

But I don't have the answers. So how the hell do I choose?

Just a Dream

I wish I could control my dreams.

I am sick of having him show up night after night.

I'm over it. But not according to my subconscious.

But I will admit, it is hard to remember him for the jerk that he is when my dreams paint him the way I thought of him when we were together.

So go away. You aren't real. And I don't want to remember it anymore.

It's done. End of story.