I've let it go too far. It's become such an integrated part of my life, I don't know who I am without it. It defines me. It's on my mind every single second. I recalculate over 10 times a day to ensure I didn't make an error. I organize (avoid) social outings based on it.

But it's also my closest ally. I get to experience success. It's a change I get to see. It's a change I can control. I can't make people appear into my life. I can't change my surroundings. But I can change this. And that's the best part about it.

I'd like to believe this will be the year. I'd like to believe that I will finally get out and start having a life.

But I'm not that naive anymore. I will continue to pass up opportunities to hang out with the outside world in favor of my beloved TV or time with my Mom. I will go to school and make friends with those in my classes but we won't be real friends. I won't have any love prospects. My life will not be interesting.

I'm not going to change. It's unfortunate but it's true. I'm not and have never been a social butterfly. I am a carbon copy of my mom. Except when she was my age she had met my dad & they were married by 21. That's all I need. I just need a boy. I need a boy to love and a boy to love me.

It's a problem.

But I'm just not sure I want to fix it.

Thank you for worrying. It helps.

It’s my biggest enemy.

It consumes my thoughts. It controls me.

It’s an obsession I can’t get rid of.

It’s a battle I’ve been fighting for half of my life.

I want to be free. But it’s only getting worse. It’s never been this bad.

I don’t know how to make it stop. I’m afraid I can’t. I’m afraid I don’t want to.

And I hate you for making it worse.

Life in a Facebook Status

Facebook statuses entertain me.

Some statuses are a bit too detailed. I do not remember asking for your schedule of events for the day. Plus, do you realize the creepy stalkers you are potentially subjecting yourself to? They will find you at Meijer, in the bread aisle, because you chose to announce to the world on facebook that you ran out and were running to get some at 2:30, right after your shift at [insert place of work here].

Some are just plain pathetic. "I hate my life." "Why does everything go wrong for me?" Blah blah blah. I can tolerate a somber status update here and there. Because sometimes you have a bad day and you just need to share it. But when your statuses are updated on a daily basis, always with the same overdramatic sentiments, it gets to be annoying. Stop fishing for people's sympathy. I would be more sympathetic to your problems if you didn't find everything to be the end of the world. I've got news for you, your life is not that bad.

I appreciate but am also extremely frustrated by the vague status. You so desperately desire to know the meaning behind the unclear words, but the truth is that the only connection you have with this person is facebook. A comment asking "what's wrong?" or even a blatant "what does that mean?" can't come from you without seeming entirely creepy and random. So you're left completely curious until the next vague status rolls around (which in all likelihood is only a few minutes).

And then there's my favorite type of status. The status that reminds you that you're not alone. Though it may not always seem like that, there is someone out there feeling that same lost hope that you feel. They crave what you crave. And if that's true, I've got to believe that someday, no matter how near or far off it may be, we'll get what we want.

[This post is dedicated to accounting. For if it were not so incredibly boring, I would not have had the need to find a way to procrastinate]

Everyone has those moments. Moments where it feels like everyone but you is in love. But I don't think anyone truly believes that they are going to end up alone.

In reality though, it's a complete possibility. Who's to say that there is someone out there who will want to marry me? Maybe, despite my almost obsession with the concept of love, I will never experience it. Who's to say?

I don't believe in fate or "meant to be." I believe life is what you make it.

Here derives my issue with food. You can't make yourself prettier. You can't change your personality (at least not if you want to stay true to yourself). But you can make that roll on your stomach disappear. You can control your weight. And you tell yourself that maybe those last 5 pounds is all that is standing in your way from getting the guy.

Now I realize this is completely insane. And I don't want anyone freaking on me that I have some sort of eating disorder. I don't and that is not the point I'm trying to make.

My point is that it's hard to change your position in life. You can want something and you can tell yourself you're going to make any changes necessary - but sometimes things are just the way they are. And I guess that means I need to adjust my expectations accordingly.

I'm terrified.

I don't think I can go through another year like last. Especially since I don't have an excuse anymore.

I have to be brave. I will be brave.

This will be the year.

Please be the year.