I have the best intentions to try to get better. I go to bed at night and promise to try harder tomorrow.

But tomorrow never seems to come.

I see the numbers. I can understand logically where everyone is coming from. I know they are right. I laugh at their accusations because in reality I know they are true.

But you can't force yourself to do something you don't want to do. I feel like I earned this. I take their criticisms as compliments. It means I'm doing something right (even though I know it's wrong).

I'd like to say that I'll do better, try harder (or at all). But I don't think I'm there yet.

Edit:

I just realized I wrote basically this same thing back in March. Wow. So much for progress I guess.

I'm trying to get used to the idea that maybe love isn't in the cards for me.

I realize I'm only 20. I realize there is a TON of time to meet someone. But there are also people who spend their entire lives alone (some willingly but still). That could be me. Especially considering my lifestyle - or more accurately my lack of a lifestyle.

It'd be awfully cruel on the world's part. I'm the textbook girl who watches too many romantic comedies and is obsessed with the idea of love. Maybe that's part of the problem.

But I'm trying to prepare myself for a life alone. Because even though it hopefully won't happen, it might. And I don't want to spend my whole life waiting for someone/something.

So if I do spend my life alone, I'm going to do it with style. I'm saving money now so I can afford a house on my own. I'm going to be the most kick-ass aunt in the world. I'll have a loyal dog who will keep me company.

I'll be just fine on my own. I just hope I don't have to be.

I'm afraid that I function too well on my own.

I have taken of care of myself ever since I was little. By the time I was 10, I was left home alone. Before that I might as well have been since my Grandma had Alzheimer's and was probably more of a danger to me than anything. Dad was always somewhere or another and Mom worked insane hours. I ate dinner alone. I had to learn to make due on my own.

But all that alone time as a kid has backfired in my adult life. I will always choose being alone than going somewhere to socialize. I hate social situations. I'd just rather not deal with it. I recently discovered the wonders of going to a movie theater alone - no hassle of trying to find a common movie or time that works for everyone. You can see whatever the hell you want, pig out on popcorn, and cry at a cheesy movie without anyone to judge you for it.

But I don't want to be alone forever. It'd be so easy for me to just work, come home to my puppy and watch TV for the rest of my life. But I want so much more than that. How do I get it though? How do I fight 20 years of habit?

I'm not the same.

It affected me more than I even realized I think. Because ever since I have been a shut-in. I never want to do anything. I would rather stay home and watch House re-runs than actually live life.

I want to change. But it's almost too late. For two years I have lived this life. I make my own plans and do my own thing. I don't rely on anyone else. There are no disappointments in my life. But that's only because it's hard to be disappointed when all you do is watch TV. My biggest disappointment is when my favorite player doesn't win Survivor.

That's not what I want. I have been living this way for two years. Hiding. I didn't even realize it but I think that's what I've been doing - hiding from life. And now that I'm finally to the point where I want to get out in the world again, I don't even know where to begin. I missed out on all the social bonding that's supposed to happen in college. I wasn't interested then. I was still in pieces. But now what? Where do I begin?

I have no idea. And that's a problem.

I'm trying to be logical. Really. But it isn't that simple. I see the math. I see it. But it's almost an abstract concept...I know I've accomplished it but I don't feel it.

Something positive from this struggle though is that I've realized that I've been too harsh on other people. Everyone's problems look so easy from a distance. "Why can't they just get over it?" "Can't they see how good their life is?" It's just not always that simple.

You can want to make things better. You can know that your actions might not be the best for you. You can view your problem from an objective perspective and see that you're out of your mind.

But actually overcoming it? I'm still working on that one.

I've let it go too far. It's become such an integrated part of my life, I don't know who I am without it. It defines me. It's on my mind every single second. I recalculate over 10 times a day to ensure I didn't make an error. I organize (avoid) social outings based on it.

But it's also my closest ally. I get to experience success. It's a change I get to see. It's a change I can control. I can't make people appear into my life. I can't change my surroundings. But I can change this. And that's the best part about it.

I'd like to believe this will be the year. I'd like to believe that I will finally get out and start having a life.

But I'm not that naive anymore. I will continue to pass up opportunities to hang out with the outside world in favor of my beloved TV or time with my Mom. I will go to school and make friends with those in my classes but we won't be real friends. I won't have any love prospects. My life will not be interesting.

I'm not going to change. It's unfortunate but it's true. I'm not and have never been a social butterfly. I am a carbon copy of my mom. Except when she was my age she had met my dad & they were married by 21. That's all I need. I just need a boy. I need a boy to love and a boy to love me.