I think I may be one of very few women in America who actually still like Jason Mesnick (The Bachelor).

How can you fault someone for following their heart? Did he go about it the wrong way? Probably. But he was forced to make a decision in a certain amount of time and he picked wrong. But isn't it better to admit that rather than have your relationship be based on a lie?

Then I got thinking about my own past. I've struggled to know what was real and what wasn't. But I realize I'll never really know. But when I think about small moments, I don't have any doubts. There was something real. But just like with The Bachelor, things changed. And that's ok. Because even though it took me a little longer to realize it than him, I don't have any interest in being with him either.

Thank god for that.

Pressure

I have less than a month to make a decision that will impact the rest of my life.

Talk about pressure.

I could stay at Grand Valley. I get to keep the scholarship I worked hard to earn. I get to live at home and be close with my Mom. I get to double major so I know that if I don't like being a paralegal I have a business degree to fall back on.

Or I could transfer to CMU. I have to pay full price. I would have to live alone. But I get to major in nutrition. Something I'm passionate about - in theory.

What if I transfer and I hate nutrition? I can't handle the science aspect of it. I miss home too much. Then what? I gave up my scholarship for NOTHING. I made my parents move me up to the middle of nowhere for NOTHING.

Or I could transfer and love it. I could have the college experience I didn't have at Grand Valley. I could love dietitics and feel like I'm actually going to enjoy my job once I graduate.

But I don't have the answers. So how the hell do I choose?

Just a Dream

I wish I could control my dreams.

I am sick of having him show up night after night.

I'm over it. But not according to my subconscious.

But I will admit, it is hard to remember him for the jerk that he is when my dreams paint him the way I thought of him when we were together.

So go away. You aren't real. And I don't want to remember it anymore.

It's done. End of story.

I feel so damn good.

For months, I was drowning. Constantly living in the past. Questioning if I had done this or that if things would be different. Wondering how I would ever get passed it.

But I can honestly say, even if it took me 6 months, that I'm over it.

I'M OVER IT!

And now I'm taking my life back. I'm not wasting anymore time waiting anymore - not that you are even worth waiting for.

I still am grateful though. Because despite all wasted tears, I got to experience something great. Were the feelings real? I'm not sure. But I know that it doesn't matter. For 6 months, I was happy and I felt invincible. Then we crashed and burned.

But it was worth it. And that's all that matters.

You're looking so innocent, I might believe you if I didn't know

I'm just another dumb girl that falls for all the shit guys spew.

And you know what? I deserved it.

I deserved it because I was stupid. I was stupid to believe that a guy can mean the words he says simply because he loves you and wants you to know it. Not because he's a horny teenager with no conscious.

I still believe in love the way I used to. You can break my heart but you can't break my hope.

And for the record, I don't care what you tell people. If you need to tell people that you fucked me good and hard so you feel cool, then please go ahead. You can say it all you want, but you'll still be a pathetic little virgin boy who tells girls shit so they'll fuck him.

You may not have fucked me the way you wanted, but you fucked me over more than enough anyways.

"It's like I checked into rehab, and baby you're my disease"

It's hard to believe a year has gone by.

It's only been a year.

It only took 12 months for me to go from having everything I could want to absolutely nothing.

It only took a year for me to fall in love, get my heartbroken, move out, move back home, and have more friendships change for the worst rather than the better.

It was the best year ever. It was also the worst.

I wish I knew how to fix it. I wish I could go back.

"You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand"

It comes in waves. Today is one of the bad days. The next month will probably be one long bad day. Filled with too many things I wish I could forget.

I don't know how to make it go away. I don't know how to make it easier.

And it kills me because I knew. I read old journal entries and half of them consist of me being afraid of getting my heart broken. But I still let myself fall anyways.

How can you ever trust anyone? People can look you in the eye and say the exact thing you want to hear. And at that moment, it's the greatest feeling in the world.

But I'm starting to wonder if that feeling is worth the heartache it causes later.