More than anything, I miss the way I felt.

I'm undeniably sad.

Everything has changed so much this year. But not in the way I thought it would. You're supposed to go to college and meet new friends that will change your life. Living in the dorms is supposed to be filled with some of your best memories.

Instead, I met a few people - all of which never amounted more than a casual conversation here, a facebook add there. Living in the dorms left me with a lot of memories - but few are good. I don't recognize my friends anymore. They have new lives, filled with exciting people and fun times.

I don't have a place anymore. The few times I do decide to venture out, I feel left out. Everyone has a person. I used to have people too. I had my person at the party who I'd have if it got lame. But they have their own people now. And I can't really blame them. They did what you're supposed to do after high school: move on. It's not that I don't want to move on. Nothing could be further from the truth. I just have nothing to move on to. Sometimes I miss high school simply because I felt like I was a part of something - even if that something consisted of complaining over an assignment with classmates or chatting about the latest drama.

I just need to feel that way again.

I think I may be one of very few women in America who actually still like Jason Mesnick (The Bachelor).

How can you fault someone for following their heart? Did he go about it the wrong way? Probably. But he was forced to make a decision in a certain amount of time and he picked wrong. But isn't it better to admit that rather than have your relationship be based on a lie?

Then I got thinking about my own past. I've struggled to know what was real and what wasn't. But I realize I'll never really know. But when I think about small moments, I don't have any doubts. There was something real. But just like with The Bachelor, things changed. And that's ok. Because even though it took me a little longer to realize it than him, I don't have any interest in being with him either.

Thank god for that.

Pressure

I have less than a month to make a decision that will impact the rest of my life.

Talk about pressure.

I could stay at Grand Valley. I get to keep the scholarship I worked hard to earn. I get to live at home and be close with my Mom. I get to double major so I know that if I don't like being a paralegal I have a business degree to fall back on.

Or I could transfer to CMU. I have to pay full price. I would have to live alone. But I get to major in nutrition. Something I'm passionate about - in theory.

What if I transfer and I hate nutrition? I can't handle the science aspect of it. I miss home too much. Then what? I gave up my scholarship for NOTHING. I made my parents move me up to the middle of nowhere for NOTHING.

Or I could transfer and love it. I could have the college experience I didn't have at Grand Valley. I could love dietitics and feel like I'm actually going to enjoy my job once I graduate.

But I don't have the answers. So how the hell do I choose?

Just a Dream

I wish I could control my dreams.

I am sick of having him show up night after night.

I'm over it. But not according to my subconscious.

But I will admit, it is hard to remember him for the jerk that he is when my dreams paint him the way I thought of him when we were together.

So go away. You aren't real. And I don't want to remember it anymore.

It's done. End of story.

I feel so damn good.

For months, I was drowning. Constantly living in the past. Questioning if I had done this or that if things would be different. Wondering how I would ever get passed it.

But I can honestly say, even if it took me 6 months, that I'm over it.

I'M OVER IT!

And now I'm taking my life back. I'm not wasting anymore time waiting anymore - not that you are even worth waiting for.

I still am grateful though. Because despite all wasted tears, I got to experience something great. Were the feelings real? I'm not sure. But I know that it doesn't matter. For 6 months, I was happy and I felt invincible. Then we crashed and burned.

But it was worth it. And that's all that matters.

You're looking so innocent, I might believe you if I didn't know

I'm just another dumb girl that falls for all the shit guys spew.

And you know what? I deserved it.

I deserved it because I was stupid. I was stupid to believe that a guy can mean the words he says simply because he loves you and wants you to know it. Not because he's a horny teenager with no conscious.

I still believe in love the way I used to. You can break my heart but you can't break my hope.

And for the record, I don't care what you tell people. If you need to tell people that you fucked me good and hard so you feel cool, then please go ahead. You can say it all you want, but you'll still be a pathetic little virgin boy who tells girls shit so they'll fuck him.

You may not have fucked me the way you wanted, but you fucked me over more than enough anyways.