"It's like I checked into rehab, and baby you're my disease"

It's hard to believe a year has gone by.

It's only been a year.

It only took 12 months for me to go from having everything I could want to absolutely nothing.

It only took a year for me to fall in love, get my heartbroken, move out, move back home, and have more friendships change for the worst rather than the better.

It was the best year ever. It was also the worst.

I wish I knew how to fix it. I wish I could go back.

"You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand"

It comes in waves. Today is one of the bad days. The next month will probably be one long bad day. Filled with too many things I wish I could forget.

I don't know how to make it go away. I don't know how to make it easier.

And it kills me because I knew. I read old journal entries and half of them consist of me being afraid of getting my heart broken. But I still let myself fall anyways.

How can you ever trust anyone? People can look you in the eye and say the exact thing you want to hear. And at that moment, it's the greatest feeling in the world.

But I'm starting to wonder if that feeling is worth the heartache it causes later.

"So here's to everything coming down to nothing"

despite everything, i'm thankful for the things that have happened.

i had my heart broken. everything changed with one phone call. i was a mess. but i'm here. and even though my heart may still be a bit broken, I'm not broken.

and I know not a lot of people understand my choice to move home. it's so frustrating too because I feel like people think I'm moving home because I want to be in my comfort zone.

true? maybe a little. but the truth is that I am strong enough to admit that I don't want to be here. I know for a fact that some people are unhappy with college life, but they go on pretending.

I'm just over it. I'm over living my life the way other people want me to live it. I'm over trying to impress you. I'm over trying to change your mind. I'm over it.

"And I stare at the phone, he still hasn't called
And then you feel so low you can't feel nothin' at all
And you flashback to when he said forever and always
And it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
Cause I was there when you said forever and always
You didn't mean it baby, I don't think so"

For a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic

a couple months ago this week would have torn me apart. but it didn't. it wasn't what i imagined. it didn't feel the same. it didn't even come close to feeling like it.

it's a strange feeling though. looking at someone you knew so well and seeing someone else. and obviously it's sad...but what can you do? it's out of your control. the sooner i accept that, the better.

also.

stop pretending like you know everything about me. stop thinking that you know everything in general. stop telling me what i should do.

but i'm glad you seemed so convinced that i will fail. because i love proving people wrong. and it's going to feel so good when i'm the one who's happy and you realize what an idiot you've been.

This is my life. I need to remember that.

I have the power to control it. I can change it. I am going to make something of it.

And I'm not going to be that girl. I want to be. I could be. But I can't. Because I've been there and I can't do it to someone else.

Sometimes being the bigger person sucks.

Yes...I did do that.

You know what is an odd feeling?

Knowing that six hours away there is a group of girls comforting their friend, reassuring her that you are a slut or a whore, and that you didn't mean anything.

I'm not sure how that should make me feel.

I signed the papers today. I am officially free.

I'm happy.

I'm relieved.

I'm sad.

Countdown

December 12 cannot come fast enough.

I want out so bad. I feel like I live in an isolation chamber. Except it's worse than that because instead of padded walls there are windows that show me everything I'm missing.

It's ironic too. Because the only reason I even decided to live in the dorms is because I didn't want to feel like I was missing out. But now that's all I ever feel like.

Oh well I guess...

Better in Time

I've decided that it's okay.

Maybe things aren't the way I imagined. There's a lot of things I wish were different...

But it's going to get better. I just have to wait for it.

Thank you for reminding me of that.

I don't know what to do.

I'm not happy anywhere.

I hate being at school because I'm surrounded by tons of people but it's as if I'm invisible.

I hate being home because I'm surrounded by memories I want to forget. I remember the way my life used to be. Before things changed. Before my best friends moved far, far away or changed more than I thought would be possible.

At home though I at least have comfort. And I have my mom, a best friend who isn't going to change or move to another state.

But I'm afraid of moving home because I want more than that. I wanted to make new friends. I wanted to meet an amazing boy. I wanted to love college. So if I move home what does that mean?

What has the world come to when it takes a bumper sticker on facebook to impart wisdom?

I saw one today that said:"1. Good Grades 2. Enough Sleep 3. Social Life. You can only pick 2...welcome to college!"

That is completely true and the reason for all my problems. Because good grades are non negotiable. And I really like my sleep so I am not willing to give it up.

But here's the thing. I don't think I'm missing out on a social life in an attempt to get good grades or enough sleep. Because I managed to get good grades senior year, but I was completely willing to lose sleep to stay on the phone until 3 in the morning. I did what I had to do to have fun with my friends and get good grades, even when that meant sacrificing something like sleep.

I've come to this realization: I don't have an interest in socializing with the people I've met. But when I meet the right people, I'll know it, because I will be willing to give up other things to spend time with them.

So maybe I'm failing college life. But at least it's by choice.

Can I go back? Please?

I miss high school.

I spent all of high school waiting for college. Dreaming of what it would be like. Thinking of all the great friends I'd make and the hot boys I'd want to date. Working my ass off to get good grades to get a scholarship.

But now all I want to do is go back. Because the moment high school ended was also the same time when my life was finally becoming what I wanted. Then college came and took it all away.

I have not met these 'lifetime friends' that everyone says you meet in college. I haven't even met right now friends. So what does that mean? And besides, who says your lifetime friends can't also be the ones you graduated from high school with? Because those were some pretty great friends.

As for hot boys...insert snort here. Even if there were any, I'm not sure I could handle it. A boy talks to me in my poli sci class and it makes me completely uncomfortable. I want to tell him that he should not be talking to me like that. I have a boyfriend. But oh wait...that's right, I don't anymore. I just live in the past too much to remember that.

And all that hard work? Now I just have more of it. I never considered how you'd have to keep certain grades to maintain a scholarship. Talk about pressure. Any bad grades = bye bye thousands of dollars. It was nice knowing you...

Be yourself...but be sure to fit in.

Just when I'm finally starting to think that maybe I can do this someone or something reminds me why this is so far from where I want to be.

But I'm not trying...or at least that's what everyone likes to tell me. Be more open. Stop living in the past. Go out of your comfort zone. I've heard it all enough to last me a lifetime.

Maybe I picked the wrong college. Maybe I should have gone further away. Maybe I should have done honors college to meet people more like me.

Or maybe I hold a grudge against college because of what it took away from me.

I can analyze and wonder all I want but nothing's going to change. I'm still going to be here, I'm still going to feel alone, and I'm still going to want to go home.

I am sick of thinking about college or how I "missed the boat" when it came to bonding with people on my floor - or even people in general. Because honestly I didn't miss the boat. I don't have any interest in befriending these people.

And unlike some people I am not going to change who I am to fit in. Does enjoying being by myself make me a failure at college? No. It's who I am. I like listening to my music and watching my favorite TV shows. Do I want to make new friends? Obviously. But with people who like me for me, not the person that would fit in with them.

So if changing who I am is the only way dorm life is going to get better, then I guess I'm going to be sitting in my room a hell of a lot.

You know what, I don't care anymore.

So what if I'm failing at college life? Did anyone really expect me to do well at this? I hoped it would be the amazing experience that everyone said it would be, but I think I always knew it wouldn't be like that for me.

And maybe I'm holding too tightly to the past. That's what I've been told anyways. But so what? I need to hold on. Because if I stop, I will undoubtedly have the breakdown everyone has been waiting for.

Unlike everyone else, I'm not thriving in this new scenario. I'm not glad to cut the ties between me and my parents because I was lucky enough to have awesome parents and a mom that I hung out with more than most of my friends. I have no new found sense of freedom because I've never had a curfew in my life.

In fact, if anything I feel like I've lost some of my freedom. Watching TV, my all-time favorite thing, is awkward at best because I feel like I'm disturbing my roommate. I can't even get ready in the light in fear of waking my roommate. I'm ruled by other peoples schedules and not my own.

So I've come to the conclusion that college was created for two types of people: people who hate their parents or some aspect of their home life and people who want to get drunk 24/7.

This doesn't mean I'm homesick and that I cry every night wishing I was home. I don't. It just means that it's not what I thought it would be. And it's most definitely not what I needed it to be.